Proposal final draft and review notes Essay


I have attached the proposal ,these are my classmates comments :
first comment :Hi Ali, Your proposal was very interesting. I’m interested in any health related topic so this was definitely something I enjoyed reading. Your purpose was very clear and you used a lot of ideas and knowledge to sell your product (computer billing system). For design, I really liked how you laid out your ideas. You included problems that society is facing today with this system and you were able to include features and benefits from this system, which it made very appealing. As I read along in your paper I noticed a few run-ons. I also noticed the lay out throughout the entire paper. I think something you should focus now on doing is attracting your reader. The way your paper was formatted could be more persuading and easier to read. Yes you have added charts and bullets, but I don’t feel like they were added in the correct format/ lay-out. I think it would attract your reader more if it was formatted differently. What I mean by that is make your paper “look” like a paper you want read. Make it look easy and enjoyable. I think that’s one way to attract your reader, besides your introduction. Other than that, your purpose was very clear and to me it sounded like you had thoroughly thought this out. Good work!

second comment:Ali, I could tell that you are very knowledgeable on this subject with the statements in your paper. Your tables were very easy to read and interpret, and was a great way to display some of your information. The conclusion ties up your proposal nicely. I would recommend that you watch your wording in some of your sentences.You use a lot of the same words over and over in your paper. Try to come up with some other ways to communicate what you are trying to say. Your bullet list is very long and should be shortened because it is overwhelming. It is supposed to be in memo format, so make sure you have the date, to, from, and the subject at the top left of your paper. There should also be headings for each section of your proposal. You have some really good points! You just need to make sure it is in the right format and is not repetitive!

third comment: You have some very good ideas in your essay but it is kinda hard to read, I would suggest in my opinion reading it out loud to yourself so you can hear where the catches are. I also don’t know if this is correct but in the directions it does say to follow memo format maybe look into that and see if you can make your writing more accommodating to that specific format other then that it sounds great. good luck throughout the semester and I hope that this helped.

forth comment:Use headings and memo (or letter) format. Single space. See sample in book.
and this is what you need to do : (re-correct the mistake ):
Please post your final draft Include at the end of the document up to 150 words describing the peer review process. What advice did you receive? How did you process and respond to it? Why and how is this final product better than the rough draft that preceded it? Push yourself to engage this part of the process.
thank you

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